About me

Introduction
My name is Esther Janssen, and on my journey to my dream job and vocation as a Tantra Massage therapist, I have been intensively dealing with my deeply wounded soul and the many traumas. Through this process, I have gained strong self-confidence, much more self-love and essential trust and now I also understand better how our brain works and how our body reacts to such events. I also realised that healing from trauma requires that we courageously face our most vulnerable sides. With this knowledge and these valuable experiences, I was allowed to be a loving and empathic support for several hundred people on their path to healing over the past years.

I want to give you a glimpse here so you can see that my life experience and path to healing have evolved into my speciality and essence as a Tantra Massage Therapist. I feel called to do my part in the healing process, the unfolding of self-love and physical self-discovery in women, men and couples.

Family dynamic
I was born in the Netherlands, a land of freedom and opportunity. However, these external freedoms contrasted sharply with my family environment. I perceived my mother as a manic-depressive narcissist who showed me a lot of emotional coldness and manipulated me. So, a lot of psychological violence was done to me as a child. I was constantly bombarded with destructive messages and always involved in arguments and emotional games. This eventually drove my sensitive and empathetic father into the arms of another woman, and he left our family. Because of his departure, I was missing essential emotional support, and since his new wife did not like my brother and me, my father decided not to meet us anymore. Probably, this was easier for him to avoid renewed quarrels. But that day, my heart broke into a thousand the first time, tender pieces f, and I felt the painful fragility of my soul. It was as if each splinter exposed the essence of my vulnerable feelings.

Self-Responsibility
Through this challenging family dynamic, I was thrust into the role of an adult at an early age. I quickly learned to care for myself and my brother without stable parental support. In addition, there was the ongoing emotional manipulation by my mother, who always staged herself as the victim. In this role, I took on all the responsibility and became a psychologist and an emotional trash can for her at the same time. While serving my mother in this complex role, I simultaneously tried to strengthen my brother and mother emotionally and give them positive impulses. After a few years, the time came when I could no longer carry the load.

The path to self-discovery
I saw an ad in the newspaper where a Dutch agency was looking for women to dance at a club in Tokyo. Just one week later, I flew to Japan. This began my career as a professional dancer, and my childhood dream of travelling the world became a reality. I have lived and worked in 13 countries and travelled for seven years. I am deeply grateful for this time because all these countries, places, and different cultures and languages have broadened my horizons and created a deep sense of freedom. My life was one big party with many beautiful, fun and crazy times, and we dancers had a wonderful connection. We often had deep and personal conversations, as many of us had broken family stories, and some were sad. Unfortunately, not only have these shaped my life, but the work at night also has downsides.

My traumatic experiences
I have had many painful experiences; I have been patronised, massively insulted, sexually harassed, raped, threatened, beaten and even received death threats from drunk and aggressive men. The most terrible experience of my life was undoubtedly the flight from Athens. For days, several women and I were caught in the clutches of an organised trafficking group. By a miracle, my girlfriend and I managed to escape from this desperate situation – we fled. We were lucky to regain our freedom so close.

My journey through burnout as a team leader
A few years later, I found my way into a large gym where I worked as a wellness masseuse, fitness instructor and personal trainer. After a few years, I managed the wellness department and invested much time and effort to grow the team from five with a low appointment load to fifteen with a full schedule. Unfortunately, one day, this pushed me to my limits; I became irritable and could no longer sleep; I was it had no more energy. But it wasn’t until the doctor put me on sick leave for two weeks that I was finally forced to take care of myself. During this time, I was due for a beginner’s tantra massage course that I had booked and paid for months before. So I went; besides, I thought it would help my recovery because I wanted to return to work as soon as possible. The experiences I had during this course were harrowing for me but also very enriching. I experienced how these repressed assaults and rapes broke open during a Yoni massage. I was crying and hyperventilating in front of the classroom full of people I had just met. I returned home ashamed and sad. Shortly after that, I had my first appointment with my psychologist. We started working through my life story, and I was diagnosed with burnout and depression.

Four-year intensive trauma healing
Probably the most intense question my psychologist allowed me to deal with was: Do you love yourself? I could not answer this question. I had no self-love and was not good at setting boundaries. Because of my narcissistic upbringing, I also had many toxic relationships, so I could never learn self-love. My psychologist noted that my mood became darker and more depressed than before because now so many of my traumas were coming out, which I had locked away for so long. So, I began to add other valuable therapies in parallel. But what helped me the most was attending the many Tantra massage classes for women only. Here, the deeply buried traumas of my body were allowed to begin to heal.